Why Breaking Up Feels Like Withdrawal, and Why It’s So Hard to Let Go…
There’s a kind of heartbreak that doesn’t feel clean. It doesn’t come with certainty. It comes with a pull, a craving, that feels like you’re being torn apart from the inside.
It’s not just grief. It’s not just sadness.
It’s withdrawal and if you're in it, your whole body knows.
Breakups and the Brain: Why You Feel Obsessed, Anxious, and Like You’re Losing It
When we fall in love, our brains wire to another person. That bond becomes chemically reinforced through oxytocin (connection), dopamine (reward), and serotonin (calm). So when a relationship ends, especially one that was inconsistent or emotionally intense, those systems crash.
You might notice yourself:
Replaying every conversation
Stalking their socials even though you said you wouldn’t
Waking at 3AM with a pounding heart
Feeling like you’ve lost your grounding
This isn’t just heartbreak. It’s your nervous system scrambling to make sense of sudden disconnection from both a person and a pattern of chemical regulation.
You’re not going crazy. You’re dysregulated.
Why Trauma-Bonded Breakups Hurt the Most
Some relationships are more than love stories. They become survival strategies. Especially when they’re built on intensity and the kind where you never quite know where you stand.
If the relationship had highs and lows, moments of deep closeness followed by distance, or if you felt like you were always chasing safety, you might have been in a trauma bond.
These bonds are deeply addictive because they echo our earliest attachment patterns. Love becomes a nervous system loop and a familiar, confusing ache that says, “If I can just fix this, I’ll finally feel enough.”
Leaving that doesn’t just feel like loss. It feels like abandoning a mission your system was working overtime to complete.
The Inner War: “Should I Let Go or Try Again?”
You might be having conversations with yourself daily:
“Maybe if I just wait a little longer…”
“But I can’t keep doing this…”
“What if they finally change?”
This is what I call the internal courtroom.
Parts of you are building a case to stay.
Other parts are building a case to leave.
And underneath it all is a young, tender part who just wants to feel chosen. Safe. Wanted.
Letting go isn’t about winning the case.
It’s about listening to each part — and choosing to lead from your Self.
You’re Grieving the Fantasy, Not Just the Person
Sometimes the hardest grief isn’t what happened. It’s what never did.
The imagined future… the holidays…the experiences… the house you’d build… the version of them you saw glimpses of — and believed in with your whole heart.
You’re not crazy for holding on to that dream. You loved someone in the only way you knew how — and you held the possibility of who they could be with you.
But grieving that dream is sacred work. Because until we let go of the fantasy, we keep abandoning the reality of what is and more importantly, who you are becoming.
How to Let Go (When It Feels Impossible)
Letting go isn’t an action. It’s a process — of returning.
Returning to:
The part of you who stayed small to be loved
The nervous system that’s been stuck in fight, flight, or fawn
The self who forgot they’re worthy, not because someone stayed, but because who they are
Here are some tools I often use with clients (and myself):
Chair work: Put your younger self in one chair, your ex in the other. Let yourself speak from each part. You'll be surprised what comes through.
Daily tracking: When do you feel most hopeful? Most spiraled? Notice the glimmers — they’re your map out.
Parts mapping: Write down the voices in your head — the pleaser, the dreamer, the one who’s exhausted. Meet them. Don’t try to silence them.
Healing is not about forgetting. It’s about remembering who you were before you started bending to be loved.
Ready to Come Home to Yourself?
Download my free guide: Choose You First
If you’re stuck in the cycle and waiting for a message, doubting yourself, or feeling like you’re losing your mind then this guide is a soft place to land [Start-Here]
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does breaking up feel like withdrawal?
Because your brain and body were wired to another person. When that connection breaks, your system loses its source of regulation. It’s a neurochemical crash and your whole being scrambles to restore it.
Why can’t I let go, even if I know the relationship isn’t right?
Because a part of you is still holding onto hope. Often it’s a younger part, still waiting to be chosen in the way they always needed. Letting go isn’t about logic. It’s about healing that inner wound.
How long will it take to feel normal again?
There’s no one-size-fits-all. But most people feel acute emotional and physical symptoms for the first few weeks. Healing happens gradually and not linearly. If you stay connected to yourself, relief will come.
Is it normal to feel physical symptoms after a breakup?
Yes. Withdrawal can look like sleep issues, appetite changes, headaches, panic, fatigue, lots of tears and anger. Your nervous system is adjusting, so be gentle with your body.