When Love Hurts: Understanding Trauma Bonds and the Toxic Cycles That Keep Us Hooked
“It starts with chemistry and ends in anxiety.” That’s the reality of trauma bonds — relationships that begin in intensity and end in confusion, burnout, or despair.
This blog is for anyone stuck in that heartbreaking question: Should I stay, or should I go
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is an emotional attachment formed through a cycle of abuse, emotional unpredictability, and moments of intense closeness. Psychologist Patrick Carnes defines it as the bond that develops between an abuser and their victim — often reinforced by highs that follow the lows.
If you’re not addicted to them, and why the beginning feels so good (and so real)
It’s often not “love at first sight,” but recognition. There’s an intensity. A magnetic pull. For the first six months, you feel fused together through:
Passionate connection
Vulnerable conversations
Family introductions or kids meeting
Amazing sex or deep spiritual chemistry
But over time, intensity replaces intimacy. Emotional chaos becomes familiar. And the nervous system begins to brace itself — for rupture. You’re bonded through survival patterns.
Signs You’re Stuck in a Toxic Relationship Cycle
You feel terrified when the connection is threatened
You forgive too easily just to feel close again
You’re constantly questioning: “Is this normal?”
You abandon your own needs to keep the peace
You can’t tell the difference between love and anxiety anymore
This isn’t weakness. It’s your attachment system trying to keep you alive.
Click here to access Choose You First – your free roadmap to emotional clarity and self-worth.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
That’s the agonising loop for so many clients I see.
You’ve tried the conversations. The protesting, the convincing, the crying, and you’ve given it your all. But you keep asking:
“How do I know when enough is enough?”
If your relationship is built on ruptures — yelling, stonewalling, disappearances, reckless behavior — and your system feels like it’s on high alert, your body may already be telling you it’s not safe anymore.
How Trauma Bonds Hijack the Nervous System
After each rupture, your body often enters a panic loop:
Your fight-flight parts try to argue or run
Your fawn part might people-please or over-function
Your freeze part might shut down completely
Then comes the reconnection — the rush of relief. But by then, the trust has already eroded.
You’re back in the relationship, but parts of you are still in pain. And over time, that pain becomes harder and harder to override.
Healing Through Parts Work and Inner Clarity
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we view these cycles as being driven by parts of you — each with their own protective agenda:
The part that clings
The part that doubts
The part that rages
The part that hopes
The part that wants to leave but doesn’t know how
No part is wrong. They’re trying to keep you safe — based on what they learned in the past. Healing begins when you start listening. Not to your partner’s promises — but to your own inner system.
You Are Not Broken — You’re Trauma-Bonded
Breaking free from a trauma bond isn’t about “giving up.” It’s about reclaiming your life, your nervous system, and your ability to feel safe in connection again.
If you’re reading this and wondering what to do next, start here:
Click here to access Choose You First – your free roadmap to emotional clarity and self-worth.
A self-inquiry process to help you track your inner system, make empowered choices, and return to yourself.